Cafe Andaluz (Or 'that fuckin tapas place just off of George Square' as it's most commonly known in Glasgow)

After a heady night in Glasgow city center, on the piss (of course) for a friends birthday, the five of us decided that tapas would be a much better idea than our usual serving of half-cooked chips n' cheese to wrap the night up. Pretty soon we found ourselves lurching and grunting our way towards Cafe Andaluz on St Vincent Street.
Luckily for us we managed to score a table, which for a Friday night in such a popular restaurant is rarer than a Catholic priest with morals, and no sooner than you can say 'fucking hell that's a lot of food' our table was awash with perfectly formed little portions of absolute tasty.
The service was fast and friendly, although the cost of both drink and food could have bought us a truck full of the aforementioned chips 'n cheese and at least three taxi's home, we did however splash out on four jugs of 'cava sangria' at fifteen quid a pop which although delicious tasted more like fruit juice than booze and wouldn't have gotten me pissed if I was sealed into a giant vat of the stuff.
Every single portion of tapas was great, from the king prawns to the garlic mushrooms (averaging in price from 3.50 to 5.95 per portion so be careful when ordering and keep an eye on the bill tally!) and the only small gripe I had was that some of the staff were either totally ignoring our drunken bullshit or were genuinely Spanish and couldn't understand a word we were saying. At one point one of our group asked for a jug of iced water, a simple enough request that unfortunately resulted in a five minute exchange regarding Spanish holidays, dating Spaniards, airplanes, and lots of confused laughter from both sides. The water never came.

One word of warning though when you find yourself drunk and sitting down hungry in a Tapas restaurant, for the love of God don't buy absolutely everything that you think would be tasty on the pretense that they are all baby-sized portions. Three of these per person is still quite a bit of food and you'll find yourself fuller than you thought you would be.
Don't be a dick and order 5-6 items each like we did.
That's just fucking madness.

PRISON IN BRITAIN

Ever wondered what prison was like ?
Ever thought to yourself; 'aye I think I could deal wae that 'IF'' it happened ?

well read on ....A 5 star joint it aint, so if yer wondering if the grub is still bread 'n' water then no, its just a wee bit better! its what cons call ''vitamin -free food'' its had all the goodness steamed out of it before it hits out plastic trays, but one jail in particular (Glenochil) used to make a brilliant white sauce (kinda like white custard) with a round thick biscuit called a ''highlander''. I have honestly seen a guy get slashed defending his white sauce and highlander. As for cell mates , you can be lumped in with all-sorts of weird and wonderful characters! Most folk think ..oh jail must be a mad bad place? The opposite is somewhat nearer to the truth ... 90% of inmates are in for minor offenses (theft, drugs, housebreaking, police assault...etc) most inmates done things either in desperation, or when drunk ..and when you meet them in prison (sober!) you just see a normal guy, a normal guy who is paying the price for 10 minutes of madness.
As for getting raped in the shower/cell , well in Scottish jails this would definitely not be on, A rapist is a rapist, so don't worry, when you leave the big house your bum will still be your own!
If your into animal rights and saving the otter..etc .. well there' plenty of wildlife inside too, there's loads of cats in the old Victorian prisons , Bar-l, Perth, Peterhead, but at night the screams that come from cats in heat, is nerve shattering, first time I heard it, I thought I was hearing a baby screaming, I was listening for about 20 minutes of  this horrific screaming ,when i thought FUCK IT!  I was up at the window, shouting for someone, anyone, to shove a bottle in that weans mouth to shut it up ...it was so life like those cat wails!
When Glenochil was a young offenders (Y.O.'s) jail, they had an Avery with about 20 parakeets and 20 budgies. When I turned in to an adult prisoner (21) I left Glenochil for Barlinnie, only for Glenochil 9mths later to turn its Y.O.'s out and fill the place with adult prisoners from Peterhead and Barlinnie...so back I went, only this time to my surprise the screws who had normally been used to bullying Y.O.'s now had to deal with most of Scotland hardest inmates, (lifers etc..)and man did they bottle it!

 Well inmates being inmates they sensed this fear and duly started running the show, first place to be re-nationalised was the avery. Whilst coming back from a visit I was walkin past the avery when I seen a friend with three other inmates coming from the hairdressers, but with strange moving bulges in their pockets... when I asked what the score was I was told that for a half ounce I could get a budgie, or a parakeet for an ounce of snout. I ended up with a budgie .. which lived in my cupboard until I sold him as he was far too fuckin' noisy.

Aye prison life can be strange ....
next time ill mention what its like in a prison riot.

As told to Azaziel by his good mate Shug