PRISON IN BRITAIN

Ever wondered what prison was like ?
Ever thought to yourself; 'aye I think I could deal wae that 'IF'' it happened ?

well read on ....A 5 star joint it aint, so if yer wondering if the grub is still bread 'n' water then no, its just a wee bit better! its what cons call ''vitamin -free food'' its had all the goodness steamed out of it before it hits out plastic trays, but one jail in particular (Glenochil) used to make a brilliant white sauce (kinda like white custard) with a round thick biscuit called a ''highlander''. I have honestly seen a guy get slashed defending his white sauce and highlander. As for cell mates , you can be lumped in with all-sorts of weird and wonderful characters! Most folk think ..oh jail must be a mad bad place? The opposite is somewhat nearer to the truth ... 90% of inmates are in for minor offenses (theft, drugs, housebreaking, police assault...etc) most inmates done things either in desperation, or when drunk ..and when you meet them in prison (sober!) you just see a normal guy, a normal guy who is paying the price for 10 minutes of madness.
As for getting raped in the shower/cell , well in Scottish jails this would definitely not be on, A rapist is a rapist, so don't worry, when you leave the big house your bum will still be your own!
If your into animal rights and saving the otter..etc .. well there' plenty of wildlife inside too, there's loads of cats in the old Victorian prisons , Bar-l, Perth, Peterhead, but at night the screams that come from cats in heat, is nerve shattering, first time I heard it, I thought I was hearing a baby screaming, I was listening for about 20 minutes of  this horrific screaming ,when i thought FUCK IT!  I was up at the window, shouting for someone, anyone, to shove a bottle in that weans mouth to shut it up ...it was so life like those cat wails!
When Glenochil was a young offenders (Y.O.'s) jail, they had an Avery with about 20 parakeets and 20 budgies. When I turned in to an adult prisoner (21) I left Glenochil for Barlinnie, only for Glenochil 9mths later to turn its Y.O.'s out and fill the place with adult prisoners from Peterhead and Barlinnie...so back I went, only this time to my surprise the screws who had normally been used to bullying Y.O.'s now had to deal with most of Scotland hardest inmates, (lifers etc..)and man did they bottle it!

 Well inmates being inmates they sensed this fear and duly started running the show, first place to be re-nationalised was the avery. Whilst coming back from a visit I was walkin past the avery when I seen a friend with three other inmates coming from the hairdressers, but with strange moving bulges in their pockets... when I asked what the score was I was told that for a half ounce I could get a budgie, or a parakeet for an ounce of snout. I ended up with a budgie .. which lived in my cupboard until I sold him as he was far too fuckin' noisy.

Aye prison life can be strange ....
next time ill mention what its like in a prison riot.

As told to Azaziel by his good mate Shug